I recently re-viewed Bruce Tulgan’s 2-minute V-log entry on how to respond to an employee saying something like “You’re picking on me…” or “You’re favoring Mary…” or “You’re micro-managing me…” I liked Bruce’s response, and I think there is a deeper issue to question.
When accused of something, I consider "over-owning” the accusation... "You're right! I am picking on you. In fact there's a part of me that wants to take you out at the knees right now because I am feeling frustrated with the situation and what I see of you not doing the job that I believe you can do..." I like amplifying the accusation because it tells the individual that I know what I am about and what I am doing. In a weird way, it brings comfort. When I say something like... "No... I'm not picking on you. I'm so sorry you feel picked on... blah blah blah" the person isn't likely to believe me anyway... because I'm not speaking my truth!
It's also like the wife that accuses the husband of letting his glance linger a bit too long on... whatever. "No honey, I wasn't looking!" BS. How about... "You're right. I was looking and in fact I had launched off on a whole bunch of thoughts that aren't where I want to go. Thanks for the tug back to this moment..."
What blocks you from speaking clearly and with candor?
For me, it's fear. Fear that I'll be exposed, called out, wrong, judged inadequate. Yuck. So... when I can recognize and own the fear, I can choose to accept the risk of all those bad things happening, because in the end I want the good thing that happens when I speak my truth... alive and authentic relationships.